Generally, I'm Not Afraid

I am a Stage 0 Breast Cancer survivor,

but I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer when I was already a Stage 3 Colorectal Cancer patient. I can’t really attest to the fear that goes with a Breast Cancer diagnosis, because I had already jumped 3 steps ahead of that in a separate cancer arena.

For me, being Stage 3 was terrifying. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and when it did, 8 months after my CRC diagnosis, I can honestly say there was a smidgen of relief.

Maybe even more than a smidgen, maybe even a tad. 

Anxiously waiting for something horrible to happen is, in my mind, worse than having it happen. And so here I am. 2+ years into this Stage 4 CRC diagnosis, surgery not an option, already using up second line chemo and generally, I’m not afraid.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those moments of fear- how bad will the treatments get?  How much will my liver swell and my lungs clog up?  How painful will things be?

Will my kids remember me as I was before I became a burden to them? Does my husband ever see me as more than a cancer patient? Will his memories of me be only that of disease?

I wonder what my grand kids would look like. I wonder if my kids will even have kids. 

-Now look, I realize no one knows their expiration date, but let’s be honest here,  a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer definitely puts things in a different light to say the least.

That bus you could  get hit by?

My bus is charging full speed ahead AT me and it doesn’t give a damn about stop signs!-

So tell me, who's going to replace the La Croix in the fridge when the last one’s gone? Who’s going to buy the Christmas presents and make sure my adult children still get Easter baskets and Valentine’s Day cards? 

Wait! 

Who’s going to marry my kids? 

Better yet! 

Who’s going to marry my husband?! 

(She better be far less attractive than me and good to my kids is all I have to say on that one.)

See? Things can get pretty hairy in here, but like I said-generally, I’m not afraid. 

Generally, I have way more than a smidgen or even a tad of hope.

I have a big life that’s worth living now.

I have family and friends and enough health, right now, to fully enjoy them. I

have friends in the CRC community that I rely on and that can rely on me.

I look for ways to engage and inform and advocate whether through social media or in the cancer center or even the grocery store and that gives me power over this mess and a feeling of accomplishment over this thing that’s trying it’s damndest to take me down. 

Educating those without a clue about this disease and advocating for those with it, is treatment for body, mind and soul and let me tell you I feel the benefits of that everyday. 

And so, it’s true, I have Stage IV Colorectal Cancer, 

BUT

I also have an enormous heap of hope. 

And generally?

I am not afraid.

And most assuredly, 

I AM ALIVE!